Arrrrr...This Be Mutiny, Matey!

I knew today was Talk Like A Pirate Day.....but apparently I missed the announcement that it was also International Change Your Government, By Whatever Means, Day.

Yeah, I Think They're "Hot" Too

In case you've been on a weeklong drinking binge (also known as vacation in Provincetown), the news of late in California has been Governor Schwarzenegger's remark during a discussion about a Latina legislator being "very hot" -- and, of course, the follow-up apology.

Of course, the entertaining twist has been Democratic gubernatorial candidate Phil Angelides's trumpeting of this as some sort of comment on Ahnuld's ethics -- then having to admit that it was his own staff's . apparent unauthorized access of the governor's system that produced the story in the first place.

I say we focus on the more important thing: namely, that the governor, who is known for having excellent taste in women (after all, he married the only Kennedy who looks good in a dress AND is female), was discussing the attractiveness of Latina women with his lesbian chief of staff.

Equality, we have arrived.

WWBND?

Cintra Wilson has an absolutely hilarious piece in today's San Francisco Chronicle about Brad Pitt's supposedly-principled stance in refusing to get married until "everyone else in the country who wants to be married is legally able."

I quote:

In the new issue of Esquire, in one stunning, triple salchow of a spin job, Brad Pitt has skillfully disguised his (and presumably Angelina's) total uninterest in the legal state of marriage as a quest for the Greater Good, thrilling the silky socks off of homosexuals everywhere........

Perhaps, following Brad's example of making the world a better place by heroically not doing things he has no interest in doing, Lindsay Lohan will refuse to stop binge-drinking until all cars have hybrid engines.

I personally refuse to stop looking at animated Japanese porn until all wars, including Drug and Terror, are over. Following Brad's awesome celebrity example, I am prepared to make this sacrifice for the sake of peace.

We must all ask ourselves, "What Would Brad Not Do?"

And then not do it.

Best. Piece. Ever.

Deus Ex (Place-a to Put-a My) Machina

One of the more little-known facts about gay men, aside from our extraterrestrial origin, is that we have, in addition to the standard run-of-the-mill "God", a whole host of deities that He/She/It/Joan Crawford saw fit to assign us.

These are not mere divine window-dressings, oh no; they exist for the true and vital purpose of combatting the problems we friends of Dorothy as we swish our way through life.

Take, for instance, the issue of where to put our vehicles when we decide to stretch our legs. Until some wise entrepreneur perfects the drive-through discotheque, we must deal with the consequences of the following:

Maxwell's Twenty-Third Law of Gay Physics: The number of gorgeous men inside an establishment is inversely proportional to the number of parking spots available within the same zip code.

Fortunately, when that cutie you've been tailing for eighteen blocks and through two red lights ducks through a nearby doorway and you can't find anywhere to stash the New Beetle, you can call on.....Gladys, Goddess of Places to Park It.

Now Gladys, as the poets tell us, is a sweet, yet somewhat vain creature who likes to be the center of attention, a sort of Barbara Walters in laurel wreath and caftan. She loves poetry and flattery, so her sacred invocation goes like this:

Gladys, Gladys, fair of face,
Grant me a fabulous parking space!

Repeat as needed, throwing in occasional references to how beautiful she is, how wonderful she looks, and how you'd so totally do her if you were straight.

(What? It could happen, and besides, do you want the spot or not? Work with me here.)

Then, after you've cut off the grandmother in the Buick who was diving for YOUR PLACE, don't forget your follow-up:

Gladys, Gladys, kind and true,
No one does it better than you!

And there you have it.

For those of you straight people who wandered in, Gladys's concern with her looks also keeps her from wearing her glasses, so you should have no problem sneaking in the occasional use of her services, despite you being....well, you know.....a little "heavy in the loafers". Just keep your voice low if you're of the female persuasion; she's not THAT kind of a girl.

However, I would advise for you to stay away from her other most popular invocation:

Gladys, Gladys, once more please,
Park him here and on his knees.

A Statement of Mission

Hello, and welcome!

This blog exists solely for the purpose of enlightenment, amusement, and individual edification.

If you choose to honor my humble self with a quotation, all I ask is a teensy, weensy citation.

Otherwise, feel free to read, laugh, cry, eat, or fall asleep with your finger in your nose.

To arms!