Deus Ex (Place-a to Put-a My) Machina
One of the more little-known facts about gay men, aside from our extraterrestrial origin, is that we have, in addition to the standard run-of-the-mill "God", a whole host of deities that He/She/It/Joan Crawford saw fit to assign us.
These are not mere divine window-dressings, oh no; they exist for the true and vital purpose of combatting the problems we friends of Dorothy as we swish our way through life.
Take, for instance, the issue of where to put our vehicles when we decide to stretch our legs. Until some wise entrepreneur perfects the drive-through discotheque, we must deal with the consequences of the following:
Maxwell's Twenty-Third Law of Gay Physics: The number of gorgeous men inside an establishment is inversely proportional to the number of parking spots available within the same zip code.
Fortunately, when that cutie you've been tailing for eighteen blocks and through two red lights ducks through a nearby doorway and you can't find anywhere to stash the New Beetle, you can call on.....Gladys, Goddess of Places to Park It.
Now Gladys, as the poets tell us, is a sweet, yet somewhat vain creature who likes to be the center of attention, a sort of Barbara Walters in laurel wreath and caftan. She loves poetry and flattery, so her sacred invocation goes like this:
Gladys, Gladys, fair of face,
Grant me a fabulous parking space!
Repeat as needed, throwing in occasional references to how beautiful she is, how wonderful she looks, and how you'd so totally do her if you were straight.
(What? It could happen, and besides, do you want the spot or not? Work with me here.)
Then, after you've cut off the grandmother in the Buick who was diving for YOUR PLACE, don't forget your follow-up:
Gladys, Gladys, kind and true,
No one does it better than you!
And there you have it.
For those of you straight people who wandered in, Gladys's concern with her looks also keeps her from wearing her glasses, so you should have no problem sneaking in the occasional use of her services, despite you being....well, you know.....a little "heavy in the loafers". Just keep your voice low if you're of the female persuasion; she's not THAT kind of a girl.
However, I would advise for you to stay away from her other most popular invocation:
Gladys, Gladys, once more please,
Park him here and on his knees.
These are not mere divine window-dressings, oh no; they exist for the true and vital purpose of combatting the problems we friends of Dorothy as we swish our way through life.
Take, for instance, the issue of where to put our vehicles when we decide to stretch our legs. Until some wise entrepreneur perfects the drive-through discotheque, we must deal with the consequences of the following:
Maxwell's Twenty-Third Law of Gay Physics: The number of gorgeous men inside an establishment is inversely proportional to the number of parking spots available within the same zip code.
Fortunately, when that cutie you've been tailing for eighteen blocks and through two red lights ducks through a nearby doorway and you can't find anywhere to stash the New Beetle, you can call on.....Gladys, Goddess of Places to Park It.
Now Gladys, as the poets tell us, is a sweet, yet somewhat vain creature who likes to be the center of attention, a sort of Barbara Walters in laurel wreath and caftan. She loves poetry and flattery, so her sacred invocation goes like this:
Gladys, Gladys, fair of face,
Grant me a fabulous parking space!
Repeat as needed, throwing in occasional references to how beautiful she is, how wonderful she looks, and how you'd so totally do her if you were straight.
(What? It could happen, and besides, do you want the spot or not? Work with me here.)
Then, after you've cut off the grandmother in the Buick who was diving for YOUR PLACE, don't forget your follow-up:
Gladys, Gladys, kind and true,
No one does it better than you!
And there you have it.
For those of you straight people who wandered in, Gladys's concern with her looks also keeps her from wearing her glasses, so you should have no problem sneaking in the occasional use of her services, despite you being....well, you know.....a little "heavy in the loafers". Just keep your voice low if you're of the female persuasion; she's not THAT kind of a girl.
However, I would advise for you to stay away from her other most popular invocation:
Gladys, Gladys, once more please,
Park him here and on his knees.
posted by Dan at 10:13 PM
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